One of the things I’ve found since becoming a mummy, is parenthood seems to have a unique ability to stir up emotions that you thought were long suppressed or gone.
When I was little, I had a bit of a bad spell with bullying.
It was a horrid time. Which hugely shaped the woman I became and my outlook on life. Yet it’s not something as an adult that I’ve particularly dwelt on.
Then I had my baby.
And I don’t know if it’s the overwhelming love you feel that basically shakes loose every other emotion you’ve ever had. Or whether it’s the new and massive responsibility that makes you question every decision you’ve made. Or if it’s just the burning desire not to ever, ever, let down that most precious bundle that’s been entrusted into your care.
Whatever it is, it certainly opens the floodgates on your feelings.
Since I was six years old, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt “good enough”. I try hard. I try really hard. At everything. At being a good friend. A good wife. A good employee. And now at being a good mother.
But you can never really be good enough to silence that little voice of doubt that whispers away in the background.
There’s no way to be a perfect mum. Whatever you do. However hard you try, you’re never going to get everything right. And there are so many different ways to parent that when things aren’t going great (the toddler decides that he doesn’t want to sleep at night at all anymore, or throws a massive tantrum) it’s so easy to doubt yourself. To think you’re getting it all wrong. To wonder if you’re really up to the job.
I guess all we can do is our best. And to keep trying. Even when it’s hard. Because what I do know is when my boy throws his arms around my neck and smiles with total love and trust written all over his cheeky little face, it’s at those moments, I’m more than good enough.
This post was first published in the Echo newspaper on Friday, December 8, 2017: www.echo-news.co.uk