BEING a mummy is a job like no other.

I mean, in what other role would you be prepared to be on call 24/7, get literally pooped on, get screamed at for hours at a time and your only reward be an occasional wobbly smile and a tiny hand wrapped around your finger?

But two years down the line of mummying and I have to concede that I’ve definitely picked up a few new skills.

Here are some of the most utilised:

• Mum-versations: The ability to chat to another parent, break off to shout/pick-up/wipe down your child, and then pick up the conversation again without missing a stride.
• Ninja skills: Honestly Miho has nothing on me creeping into Sonny Jim’s bedroom, pulling his blanket back up and tip-toeing out on a nightly basis. The stealth involved in getting in and out without him spotting me as he stirs, me tripping over a toy or emitting an ill-timed cough or sneeze is unfathomable to the pre-child me.
• Speed eating: Nothing can make you swallow a whole cookie faster than the sound of your toddler’s running footsteps down the hall. Same goes for Easter eggs. Toblerone triangles. And, er, spoonfuls of Nutella.
• On-point poker face: Pre-motherhood, if anyone was going to get inappropriate/ill-timed giggles, it would be me. Now, when my little dude plays up and IT’S SO FUNNY BUT SO NAUGHTY I don’t laugh. I don’t even crack a smile. Until he’s looking the other way that is.
• Negotiation tactics (and resilience): When you have a toddler who has a tendency to treat tea time like something akin to torture, you need this in bags. I truly think a team of mamas could probably have reduced the Cold War from its 45 years to about 4.5 minutes.
• Multi-tasking: I typed this while stopping Sonny Jim diving backwards off a sofa. Enough said.